im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
