im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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