remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
soo... how was my night?
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