My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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