apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
