made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
