I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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