I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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