My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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