i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
