I have demons in me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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