Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
