Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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