Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
