Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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