just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
