can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
