I just threw up on my dentist
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
