im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
