i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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