allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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