my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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