remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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