Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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