Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
