He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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