I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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