I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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