When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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