I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
