Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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