I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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