So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
