remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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