I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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