The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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