so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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