Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
