hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
