he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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