just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
