I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
