I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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