I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
