You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
