Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
