I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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