why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
