R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
