Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
