Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
