Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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