they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
