i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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