i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
