im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Farmville is her only friend.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
